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How To Train Your Humans
A field guide to human behavior, written by two highly unimpressed cats.
Available now in Kindle, paperback, and audiobook formats!
Yes, It’s a Real Book.
No, It’s Not for Humans.
We spent years observing our humans. Their strange rituals. Their odd fixation on calling us “floofy.” Their inability to understand that 5 a.m. is breakfast time.So we wrote a book.How to Train Your Humans is a step-by-step survival manual for cats everywhere. Or at least the ones clever enough to read. It covers everything from door control and mealtime manipulation to how to throw off a perfectly timed nap with a single well-placed hairball.Now available in Kindle, paperback, and audiobook formats. You’re welcome.
About the Authors
Winston
Senior Author, Philosopher, Snack StrategistWinston is the wise elder of the household. He spends most of his time pondering the futility of human intelligence while maintaining an aggressive napping schedule. When not actively ignoring commands, he enjoys judging others from high places and repositioning fur onto freshly folded laundry.He wrote most of Chapter 3 entirely with a single slow blink.Notable Achievements:
- Successfully trained the humans to open 3 different cans of food before choosing none
- Mastered the art of the 1 a.m. hallway gallop
- Once stared down a Roomba and wonJoey
Co-Author, Junior Chaos Engineer, Lead Toy DestroyerJoey brings the energy to the duo. He specializes in zoomies, sneak attacks, and emotionally manipulating humans using his signature “sad eyes” routine. While Winston reflects on the existential burden of being adored, Joey is more of a “sprint first, think later” kind of cat.He contributed all the paw swipes, chapter titles, and at least one coffee spill during the writing process.Notable Achievements:
- Set the household record for most plants knocked over in a single afternoon
- Can open drawers, cabinets, and (somehow) the refrigerator
- Invented a new form of communication known as “pre-breakfast opera”Together, Winston and Joey have co-authored what experts are calling “a book” and what they are calling “a warning.” How to Train Your Humans is their first literary work, though they are considering follow-ups such as “Advanced Couch Domination” and “The Silent Meow and Other Psychological Weapons.”
What You’ll Learn
(Besides That Cats are Superior)
🐟 Meal Tactics
Train your human to serve meals faster, warmer, and preferably not diet kibble.
🚪 Door Control
You decide when doors open. You decide when they close. You don’t explain either.
😼 Mood Management
A guide to turning from loaf to chaos goblin in 0.2 seconds.
🧼 Training Hygiene
Why the bath is an act of war and how to fake grooming to get out of it.
Real Quotes from the Book
(We Dictated. The Human Typed.)
- “If your human calls you by a nickname like ‘Stinky Butt’ in public, you are fully within your rights to knock over a plant.”- “Training works best when followed by total disinterest. Make them beg.”- “Let them pet you once. Then move slightly out of reach. Repeat.”Note: We take no responsibility for any ruined furniture or lost snacks.
